Who is a worthless piece of sh**!?!?

At what point in life do we make the decision to be great or to be nothingness?? Why do we continue to allow people to determine our future and navigate our past? Very few times in my life have I felt completely worthless. Good for nothing. Can’t do the first thing right. Complete nothingness. Totally useless. What is the point of trying to do anything if everything you do is sub-par. Why even be a part of society if you can’t contribute? There are so many things wrong with me, what is the point of trying to improve anything when someone is always going to see the past and what I could not do. I am going to therapy again. I quit for almost 9 months. I wasn’t planning to go back. I see no reason to upend the lil bit of normalcy in my life for some sort of half-ass-ed peace that only some people actually achieve. 

Smiles…

I watched him smile tonight..

I watched him enjoy his self. He lite up like a lake under forth of July fireworks.

Why doesn’t he light up like that around me?

It was just an event. He was having fun. I love to see him have fun and enjoy himself, but.. and you know there is always a but..

When did I stop being fun? When did I turn into a spectator in his sport? How do I become the star again?

Do I lose weight? Change my hair? Where makeup? Become less of ME?

When I look at him, I see him with the possibilities of the world at his fingers. Why does he choose to stay but then seem to not want to be here?

He cleans up nice, he could find a million girls. What is supposed to be so special about me? It’s not like anyone has explained that it to me. I have no clue. I feel like i’m stepping into the dark.

A kiss on my head, and hug like a sister, seems sweet and nice but what about my need for affection? I want the hug, the hand in hand walk, the kiss that tells me I am the ONE.

I know he never reads this page. He will never understand. Those few weeks some times maybe a month or so when my needs are placed above all else, those are the memories I cling too.

Some people want their man to clean and cook and do stuff. I don’t need that. I need love, I need to know I matter, I need him to be proud to be with me. I don’t know how to fix that. I can’t change him, that has been proven.

This takes a conscience effort on his part every day, not just for a little while. I hate to walk in and all I hear is someone barking orders to me. I want to know that I matter. That my feelings make a difference. That I mean something.

I give up things for him. I put him above myself, but I don’t think he understands. I am hurting, I need him to think about me again.

There are two people here not just one…..

New year, new outlook???

Ok so last year things got bad. We were hurting financial because Bryce was out of work for a little while and hurting emotionally because our marriage was at the worse it had ever been. So lets step back to 2015 and I will clue you in.

In November, Bryce was forced to take a leave from his job for medical reasons.The two weeks leading up to this were absolutely detrimental to me. He was so mean and ugly with everything he did or said. So about a week after he took his leave I told him I wanted a divorce. I had serious suspicions that he was cheating on me. It would not be the first time and so I didn’t take chances. I just decided to cut my losses and run. I wanted out. I told him that he needed to get his stuff and go, so he did.

Fast forward a few weeks and he wanted to talk, so I sat down and talked and he listened. I started with day one of our marriage and gave him a talk that he will remember for the rest of his life. He sat and listened even getting up one time to try to c comfort me because I was crying. I all but slapped him and told him to sit his ass down that his chance for comforting me was over! When  I was done, I told him I was done with him and that was that. I made sure to reiterate the fact that he was selfish and everything he did was about himself.

After this conversation, he began to act different. He would come over when I was at work and do dishes, clothes, cook, and clean. I didn’t mind and I knew this was his way of pushing back into my life. I also knew that at some point the other shoe would drop and he would all of a sudden become and asshole all over again. He began staying with me again and showed me a lot of attention physically and emotionally. I just braced myself for the other shoe.. I knew it had to be coming.  He also began going to church with me and the kids. He seems very interested in going to church with me and the kids. That is a new thing for him. Maybe it will continue.

When I passed the 2 month mark and we rode on into January, I began to think, maybe he is changing. Maybe he realizes what it is that he is doing to his family. At this point I began thinking about something I hadn’t in several months. Family. I want so badly to grow our family. I have wanted this for a very long time but felt stupid thinking about it when I knew I wanted a divorce. I began to think that things might work out and if they did why not get started on that growth asap. Problem is, my body doesn’t work and I couldn’t prove that he really wanted a baby. He doesn’t really answer me when I ask him about it. His answer is always if it happens it happens.

Then I begin to think well, apparently God doesn’t want us to have a baby b/c it surely hasn’t happened.. I mean come on our youngest is 6 and I haven’t taken a lick of birth control since he was born!!! I have considered going to the doctor and asking for help to figure out what all they can do to fix my body so it works properly but I tend to cancel every appointment. I am terrified to go to the doctor.  What if they find cancer again? What if they tell me again that I will never have kids again? I don’t know if I can break this little bit of hope I have stored up.

So, 2016… New year… does that mean I get a new outlook….???? Does that mean I get to move forward rather than backward in my life?? Do we grow a family or remove a ring???

The pain of providing..

It hurts to hear someone say they are hungry and you know there is nothing you can do to get rid of that feeling. It is not that there is no food in our house. Just that there isn’t any that my family wants to eat. How many times can you feel someone hamburger helper or chili before they get tired of it. What about eggs or sandwiches. There are some things that people get tired of and I know that. I would like nothing more than to go eat a steak. A big juicy steak with some mashed potatoes and some fire cracker chicken wraps but that isn’t an option. It costs money that we don’t have. I am struggling to make ends meet right now. I just wish there were more i could do right now but i don’t think there is..

Food & shame..

Imagine standing in your kitchen discussing whether or not you should cook a box of mac n cheese to go with the fish sticks you made for dinner. The question is, do you cook the mac n cheese with this meal or save it for a meal by itself later that week?

Imagine sitting down for dinner and hearing your daughter ask for a bike for Christmas when she makes a statement about how a bike costs like$200 so she will never get one.

Imagine making the decision to at your light bill instead of the water bill.

These are decisions and issues that come up for families all over the world every day. And not they aren’t the worst problems, but to those families these are painful, shameful, breathtaking situations.

It takes a lot of humbleness to walk into a fast food resturant knowing that your child worked and made some spending money and the one thing she wanted was to take the family out to eat.

What’s worse is leaving that resturant still hungry because you wanted your child to get as much as she wanted.

Financial troubles are not easy. They are degrading, shameful, and humiliating.

Just a few days in….

The past few days have been…. ummm… interesting to say the least… Bryce is not being mean and ugly to me but i have been putting my foot down and even little things like him getting on to our daughter for something stupid i’m calling him out on it right then and there. It seems to be opening his eyes to some things he has been doing. I’m not backing down….

The struggle is real…

Some families deal with food insecurity on a daily basis, some only see this issue at certain times in life, then there are families who are barely scrapping by due to unforeseen circumstances.

Tonight I found myself refusing to buy an extra pack of poptarts because I knew we had too much in the buggy already. I already planned on springing for some ice cream and chocolate slurp. I made a judgement call to buy some fruit and cheese that was on sale instead of buying more poptarts. Of course for the first 5 seconds the kids were upset but then they moved on to another item on the shelf.

I got to the register and automatically found myself putting all the meat and much needed items to the front of the counter. I glanced up at the total price and saw it was already at $60+ and still climbing. I told myself, my kids have to eat, and i stopped looking. I barely registered the total in my mind when the cashier said it was $120. Bryce looked up at me with huge wide eyes and said, “What?”.

I made myself smile and say, “Its ok, I budgeted it, but this is pretty much all of it.” I don’t want them to worry about money. I try my hardest to make as much as I can and pray the rest just falls into place. I was shocked when I looked at my account today and saw that after the basic bills I would have about $200. That will hold us over for 2 weeks til I get paid again.. About $100 for food and another $100 for gas and incidentals. And that was after Bryce got his cigarettes.

We are in the process of filing for bankruptcy, we don’t have much choice. Recently, Bryce had a surgery that caused him to not be able to work now. He will be off work for a while and in the meantime, I am the sole breadwinner. It is a lot of responsibility and stress on one person. And when my life is as crazy as it is already that just adds some much unneeded stress to me.

Bryce has been a real piece of work the last few months. Mean is not the word for it. I finally told him I wanted a divorce and I did not care what he tried to do to stop it. I asked him to move out and starting trying to set myself into the mindset of a divorce.

Over the past few days he has stepped up to the plate a little. I see some changes and we are going to go to a counselor on Monday. I am interested to see how he will respond at the appointment. Maybe this is an opportunity that I didn’t think I would have. He is going to have to show me some serious differences long term if he wants to salvage this.

I guess we will wait and see….